1. Replace fireplace with a barrel of burning trash in an alley, surrounded by 1930s-era hobos, filmed in sparkling HD video.
2. Mount camera on a device that moves it closer and closer to the fireplace flames until it the lens itself melts.
3. Add carefully-timed rock-n-roll pyrotechnic effects.
4. Superimpose a fiddling Nero.
5. Add 20 minutes of footage at the start featuring a frustrated, inexperienced, and wildly-intoxicated person + damp firewood and other fire starting materials.
6. Replace logs with log-shaped bricks, and replace fireplace bricks with lighter-fluid-soaked charcoal briquettes. Light fireplace, then BLOW MINDS.