Top Six Sites In Development Set To Capitalize On The Pinterest Craze

  1. Painterest: Self-explanatory. Intially named “Das Schadenfreudery.”
  2. Pornterest: (Probably already in production.)
  3. Pruneterest:  A place to share everything related to nature’s digestive aid.
  4. Primterest: Explore & share things EXCESSIVELY DECORUS in nature.
  5. Pimmsterest: Content related to the British alcohol-based fruit cups.
  6. Peenterest: For aficianados of hammers and hammer-related content.

Top Six Least Successful “…with the Dragon Tattoo” films

1. “The Hirsute Rennaisance Festival Attendee with the Dragon Tattoo”

2. “The Dragon Tattoo with the Dragon Tattoo”

3. “The Traditional Japanese Tattoo Enthusiast with the Dragon Tattoo”

4. “The Regret-Filled Spring Break Attendee with the Dragon Tattoo”

5. “The Occasionally-Rowdy-at-Port 1900s U.S. Navy Sailor with the Dragon Tattoo”

6. “The Guy with Those Glasses. At the Coffee Shop. You Know, with the Dragon Tattoo.”

Top Six Bus Drivers In My Life, Thus Far

1. Melva. She ran that poor bus engine up to redline at every shift of the manual transmission. When the bus would inevitably break down, she would light a cigarette as we all waited for the replacement bus to rescue us. Famous for hollering, “Pipe down” in an effort to quiet a busload of young Iowans.

2. Breakfast man on route 777. Each day he ate a cheese Danish, package of peanut M&Ms, a 20 oz. Mountain Dew and a pint of half-and-half. He talked himself through each stoplight every day by saying, “Allllllllllright.”

3. Harlan (Harley). Imagine Principal Edward Rooney from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” with a majestic mane of red hair. With ever-present Ray-Bans and chewing gum. Played in a local rock cover band. Consoled me once when I fell carsick on the ride home as a child by saying, simply, “So, uh, you OK?” SUBSTITUTE DRIVER ONLY.

4. Kenny. Another substitute driver. The single most memorable moment involved his asking of the question, “So, uh, are you into irony?” (?)

5. Durable West Indian Gent on route 777. It was about 95 degrees, and this hearty soul didn’t turn on the air conditioner. He had a white handkerchief that he used to wipe the sweat from his brow while commenting on the heat with a positively delightful West Indian lilt.

6. Chap with the moustache of Tom Selleck proportions. He insisted upon shifting the automatic transmission everyday for months and months. Until, of course, that very activity stranded the bus on one of the busiest streets in Minneapolis.

Top Six Sartorial Crimes Witnessed During My Visit To The MN State Fair

1. Shearling-lined leather boots, worn on an 85°F day

2. Comically over-sized polo shirt with Mickey Mouse embroidered upon it

3. Very short shorts worn with black hosiery

4. Body-oil-soaked long-sleeved button-down shirt

5. Pink tie-dyed t-shirt with one of those inkjet-printed pictures on it, worn by a dude napping on a bench

6. Open leather vest worn without a shirt by a tan, shockingly hirsute, obviously pregnant chap

Top Six Things Overheard At My Garage Sale

1. “You really ought to keep these. If you don’t, you’ll be sorry” -shopper commenting on one of the items for sale.

2. “He’s my little funny-bun.” -a mother, speaking of her 10 year old.

3. “Much love to you. I love you. May your blessings return to you hundred-fold. Love to you.” -shopper to my wife, said all on one breath.

4. “I think I’m going to need a discount.” -shopper that did not receive discount.

5. “I guess I’ll buy a cucumber.” -reluctant shopper.

6. Shopper: ”Do you like this (pink dress)?” 10-year-old son of shopper: ”I don’t care, mom.”